1/22/2009 – 8:30 am
Have no gas money, so I called my brother, Kevin, and asked him to lend me five bucks to get enough gas to get home from Redwood City. He’s gonna be in Palo Alto at 10, so here I sit in my car in a parking lot at a shopping mall in the vicinity of one of the richest zip codes in the country. Economic irony. I am dressed in sweats, a nice green sweat shirt that incidently belongs to my brother which are all clean. My hair is mildly oily, but a bath is on the schedule…whenever I get home.
Technically, I’m not penniless because I do have at least five pennies at the bottom of my purse. I suppose I am worse than penniless since I have some debt. The other night I watched “It Could Happen to You” with Nicolas Cage and Bridget Fonda. There was a line that is fitting for this moment. She says, “I feel bankrupt.” Yes,that is how I feel right now. But that is not how I am.
Even though I have less than nothing, I think I still possess a great deal. I have ten kids whom I adore. They are healthy. None is a scholar or millionaire or distinguished with any great gift the world recognizes, but to me they are the ten most important people in my life. [2016: I’m wrong about the first half of that sentence.] Each possess a personality distinct and gifted, they are innovative, industrious and indefatigable, and I love them. I have a roof over my head, not my roof, but one nonetheless. I have food on the table and clothes on my back. Isn’t that what’s promised to me and the sparrow?
What I want though seems like so little, but at this moment, it is not in my hands. I want some work that will enable me to support my family, continue their educations and be of assistance when they are in need. I have prayed and prayed, enough to be full, not too much where I’d forget my God.
What I dream about is frosting. Sweet, delightful, delicious; but entirely unnecessary. My own home, maybe a little farm, a Wedgewood stove, my own room, my own office (decorated and designed by the Peters), an ability to help my kids get their own homes and college educations….and finally, a husband, a companion with those eyes.
But that would be too much, wouldn’t it? That would be having it all, and I don’t think I could live with having it all. I would be afraid that something greater than the frosting would be taken in exchange for it, sacrificed if you will. A child, perhaps? I am afraid to have it all, even if my all is small.
I always have to remember whose life it is anyway. I gave my life away a long time ago and He is calling the shots. Yes, there are desires in my heart, and they will be fulfilled in His time, here on earth, maybe; in heaven, if they’re not removed, definitely. And being His possession entitles me to all He has, but according to His kindly dictates. I remember His mercy endures forever,and underneath are the everlasting arms. I will hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him.
By the way, Kevin filled my tank. That didn’t take long.